Threading (Hair Removal)

Heres some things I wish teachers taught me about body hair because finding it out on my own was just awful!

When you start waxing or shaving your downtown you’re gonna go to bed and wake up the next morning and look down and think you’ve been bitten a thousand tiny spiders. You haven’t. You probably also haven’t suddenly contracted genital warts either so don’t stress out and go to the doctor about it. (Small disclaimer if you have the spider bite look and haven’t shaved recently and have been getting your one night stand on, maybe still go to the doctor).

You can get hair EVERYWHERE a man does. I MEAN IT. Everywhere. You know when you’re young and you look at a man and you think ewwww how does hair even grow there? Your karma is going to be getting hair there. Moustaches, sideburns, mono-brows.

It doesn’t matter how many times you pluck that stray areola hair it’s gonna come back. Maybe even with a friend or two. I wish I was told it was normal… Secondly I wish I was told DO NOT USE A RAZOR THERE. Even the sacred and holy female breast is not immune to the odd, horrifying and sometimes hilarious black hair.

You’re gonna get a snail trail. But it’s gonna be the most annoying hair on your body because one day you’ll be at the beach and you’ll take your clothes off and check down at your swimmers… You know just to make sure everything’s tucked in… and suddenly, even though you look at your naked body every damn day, this mother effing snail trail has popped up out of nowhere! Also natural sunlight is the bitchiest of all Mother Nature’s children. Natural sunlight wants you to be miserable about your body hair.

Bonus hair questions you’ll have for the rest of your life:

· Why does my fringe grow so fast and the rest of my hair is drying out and breaking off?

· How come one of my eyebrows is Kate Moss in the 90s and one is Cara Delevingne last month?

· How the fuck do I shave my knees?!?!?!?!?!

· Why is the hair under my arm getting further down my ribs each year?

· And is this unholy moustache ever gonna wax itself?

What do you wish you knew about body hair before you became an adult?


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Carly Portch