I got engaged and it occurred to me that there’s a lot of people who see feminists get engaged think “why? what’s the point? isn’t that against the whole death-to-the-patriarchy thing?”

I wanted to explain the view of a feminist who still wants to get engaged and married.

The first thing would be to remember we are all nurtured differently. I grew up in a fairly “traditional” family. My parents got married then had children and have remained together for my entire life. That’s not to say that’s “normal” or for everyone. I know people whose parents have stayed together for 30 years and have children together but just never wanted to get married. I know people who had kids before marriage. I know people who don’t want marriage or kids and I know homosexual families who have children, but alas because of the government couldn’t get married even if they wanted to.

The way someone was nurtured growing up has little to do with feminism in marriage, I still it’s important to note in the way people view marriage from what they’ve grown up understanding.


I think the feminist side for me is that, whilst feminism is the equality of the two genders (these days it’s a little bit more broad for genders), it’s also about having a choice as a female.

Years ago a woman was born and it was a given that she would get married to a man, have a baby for him, stay home and care for the babies, and she didn’t have a whole lot of choice. That was her role in life.

Feminism includes genders having a choice in their role in life.

Eventually I want my role of wife to include being a mother to my children too, but it’s about choosing when I want to do that. For years you didn’t have that choice.

So what happens when a feminist gets engaged?

For me I think it was basically the same thing as if you’re a non-fem and you get engaged. I cried a little bit, planning started straight away, wedding diet talk started, my hair choices became really important.

Am I gonna take my hubby’s last name? Not too sure yet.
Am I gonna share my bank accounts with him? Dunno, maybe.

A lot of feminists are choosing not to wed, have babies, taking a new last name that people tend to think no fem wants to be married, but that’s just generalising a shit tonne of people.

Feminism has a lot of different angles, my angle on marriage is choice.

What’s yours?

You can let Courtenay know here. 


About Author

Carly Portch