Dear Secret Introvert,
You’re not alone. I’m with you, laughing with my friends in a bar on a Saturday night too.
You’ve got a friend in me, while we meet eyes across the room thinking about how comfy our couches are.
Your infectious personality isn’t lost on me, but I know deep down you’re yearning for your favourite TV show and some silence.
Let me tell you a story, fellow secret introvert…
When I was young I was so painfully shy that my mum had to sit me down and tell me I’d never make friends if I kept going the way I was going. That I’d have a really tough time in high school. Not talking to people, not worrying about making friends, being happy to sit with my sister at lunch because I couldn’t be bothered with potential rejection. I am sensitive, emotional and I connect with my feelings on the deepest level every time I feel something. I like to be alone. I thrive on my alone time. I like to let my mind wander. I like to connect with my feelings.
My sister was the loud, colourful sibling, and I watched with awe. I just wanted to hang around her when I was little and she just wanted to make lots of friends and socialise. So I suppose, my memory is foggy I admit, I probably tried to emulate that like a like a little puppy dog with my tail wagging and tongue out.
I became the loud, colourful sibling 2.0. I became “the funny one” in most of my circles growing up, which worked for me because I never wanted to rely on my looks; I didn’t believe I had any looks. I was the loud, boisterous, over the top, probably obnoxious, redhead. I spent my teen years forming friendships with girls like me, girls who weren’t focused solely on how they look, just everything that was a little deeper. I spent my young adult years drinking myself silly, never saying no to any party, and working on my socialising skills at every opportunity. Talking with boys because of what they had to say, not because they had nice hair. Talking with girls because their interests interested me, not because they had a cool dress.
I became a radio announcer for God’s sake, I became someone who literally talks for a living. I became someone who you’d lean on if you were shy at parties because I’d do the talking for you.
Brief moment to say: I love this life, and I love my job, and I love that I became a communicator.
It’s just that, I’m still a secret introvert, and I think there’s a lot of people who are still shocked to find out that I’m painfully shy deep down. Now that I am in my mid-twenties I think the original Courts 1.0 is coming back! In the sense of she’s coming back to hide in the corner and not talk to anyone.
I want to listen to people and communicate with them, so I can help them.
I want to stay at home alone on weeknights because I actually don’t want to have to talk.
I’m not worried if the fiancee has to work one or two nights of the week, not because I don’t want to be with him, but because I only want to be with myself.
I want to hang out with one person, not ten.
I don’t care if I miss an event because I stayed at home to work on my adult colouring book (it’s taking me forever and I just want it to be completely coloured in!)
I want to go to dinner with one friend, not with 10 people having 5, two person, shouting-conversations in a loud room.
I’m the funny one at parties.
I’m the one who you lean on for help during conversation.
I am the one who talks for a living.
I am the one who is loud and over the top.
But I am still the shy girl who struggles to introduce myself meeting someone one-on-one.
I am the one who doesn’t want to leave the house some nights because I just can’t be bothered.
I’m the awkward one meeting the highest-up bosses at work functions.
I’m the socially awkward one who doesn’t know if we are hugging, kissing (or both) when we greet each other.
I’m not going to stop being either, but I also think it’s important, secret introverts, that you let people in. That you let people know that sometimes you just can’t hold a conversation because your mind’s been working over time. That sometimes you don’t want to have to make other people laugh. It’s important that your friends who know you as The-Life-Of-The-Party also know that when you want a night alone, you’re doing alright.
You’re just a secret introvert. You just need time to recharge after being on for so long.
Love Courts xxx