I LOVE kids.

I don’t have any, but I just adore them, mainly because they have no filter and say whatever they want.

Sometimes their honesty is hilarious, but other times, it’s offensive and kinda mean.

Like cry-yourself-to-sleep-in-a-bathtub mean.

Recently, I was in line at Kmart waiting to buy sheets (because it’s easier to buy new sheets than wash your old ones) and behind me in line was a mum and her kiddies.

Now, this lovely woman was wrangling a few kids, but it was her littlest girl who floored me. I looked back and smiled at them, and her four-year-old daughter saw this as an opportunity to approach. She confidently swaggered up to me and said: “Hello missus, are you pregnant in the bum?”

Um. Yep. Are you pregnant in the bum?



I was shocked. (What a brilliant/heartbreaking way to describe my big bum.)

This poor child was just after an answer. The teenage cashier was wide-eyed, waiting to hear how I would react, so she could tweet about what she had just heard. The child’s mother was mortified.

What did I do?

I just laughed, and said, “No (devil child), I just think Nutella and Cheezels are acceptable as meals.”

“Okay. Bye,” she said, seemingly satisfied with that answer.

As her embarrassed mother pulled the little girl back into the line, she apologised profusely. But it was fine! In fact this child reminded me that maybe I should stop eating and start exercising.

It’s kind of a theme in my life though. I always have children saying mean things to me like:

“Tanya, why are your boobs so low?”

“How come you have a moustache?”

“Why aren’t you married? Is it because you’re too old now?”

“Where are your kids? You should have kids. It makes me sad you don’t have kids”

“Can you fit on a motorbike? Like are you allowed on one?”

“If you’re not a mum, why do you have food stains on your clothes?”

“You can be fat girl and I will be super girl” I responded, “You mean bat girl?”… “No, I mean fat girl. You’re a fat girl”

At Christmas, a young cousin asked me “How come at Christmas all my other cousins have husbands and babies and boyfriends and you look sad and keep eating?”

Kids. Back off. Your honesty is killing me. But hey, at least they say what they mean. So many people just don’t.

I wish I could say all of these mean things kids have said have inspired me to lose weight, wear a more supportive bra or get a lip wax … but they really haven’t.

I think I need to be honest with myself and get a damn gym membership!


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Carly Portch